Today is my 61st birthday.
What am I doing?
Well, it started by waking up way too early, and trying to fall back asleep unsuccessfully. But when I did finally get out of bed and open the curtains, there were two deer frolicking right outside my window. Lest you think I live in the forest, I don't, I live in a neighborhood. But there are a lot of deer and foxes and cool birds around every day. And I'm one of those people, when I see nature, even things very common in nature like deer or a beautiful yellow finch, or some chicken in the woods mushrooms, it stops me in my tracks. You think I've come face-to-face with a bear with how excited I get.
What a gift this morning! I have grown myself into a life that is pretty sweet almost every day. In fact, the only thing that ruins my days is me. It's when parts get activated and I can't get space, that a day turns sour. It's a rather rare occurrence that my entire day is soiled, it might happen for a few minutes or an hour or even a few hours, but I have gathered so many tools to right-size things, that an entire day being ruined is not likely.
Several decades ago when I entered into recovery from all my past programming, people would ask me how I'm doing, and I would say "I'm OK." And they'd say, "Oh just OK." As if that was a bad thing. I'd say "OK is OK. today!"
Part of recovering from past programming is recovering from the idea that I have to - or should be - happy all the time. I was on the hedonistic treadmill for so many years (and can still climb on if I'm not careful). I'm sure you've been on it as well. It's that treadmill we get on in order to get to the next good thing, the next happy thing, the next thing that will complete us. You know:
When I get married, I'll be happy.
When I get a new car, I'll be happy.
When I get the good job, I'll be happy.
When the world and all its people act right, I'll be happy.
Even if we reach one of these milestones, we are off to the next one, barely breathing in the air around this moment, accomplishment, or gift. We just keep on treadmilling it!
I prefer the word content. Happiness seem adolescent to me. High energy and impulsive. Heightened, but never lasts. You know - like all the things we chase in our adolescence.
But contentment has allowed me to be at peace with whatever arises. When my nephew died on my birthday at 28 in 2018 I wasn't happy. I was grieving. To be honest, as painful as that was, I was content in my grief.
Why?
Because it would have been obscene to be any other way at that time. So why would I fight the pain of that moment? Why would I jump on a treadmill to get away from it? It fucking hurt.
It doesn't so much today. And I am content with that.
I still miss him, and as grief goes, it hits you in the sneakiest of ways. So usually when I break out in tears, it's not because of a certain date, but more likely a certain smell or passing a street or noticing a resemblance in his family members.
But I digress -
I'm not sure what I am supposed to do on my birthday. Because what I do every day is get up, have incredibly slow mornings (as I mostly work nights), take my coffee onto the porch, and allow whatever arises to arise, and do my best to greet it with compassion or at the very least curiosity. It was really lovely to simply do that today.
You see everyday is both/and. If you've lived fully and not run away from the the pain, then with each day you meet bliss and grief. You just have to be open to it. It gets easier, I promise. The most important thing is to get to know it all.
How have I don't this? Well, the Pema quote attached here has been helpful; not just the quote but studying and practicing Buddhist Philosophy. Knowing that trying to escape from negative feelings is just stepping into delusion because to be alive means to experience an array of feelings and thoughts and experiences. Understanding that none of it lasts is super helpful when you are suffering. The flipside of that is, when things are going really well, this too will pass. This is where non attachment comes in. To just be in this moment without being attached to the next moment or the last moment truly is the way to find peace. It's a practice - not at all magic.
Please do not mistake me for someone who is always at peace. Just a few short months ago, I was struggling greatly with some internal conflicts. But by using my practices, I didn't have to be mean to myself or others. I just had to sit through, sit with, until the feelings flowed out of me. I used all of the tools: friendships, therapy, meditations, parts work, and of course Nature.
Back to my being a Nature Nerd - this practice has helped me be blown away by the ordinary too. I'm not waiting to see a bear or to have. bird eat out of my hand. No. I try to see the wonders in it all. If I am only open to the extraordinary, I will miss so, so, so much! Today the deer greeted me, and that felt extraordinary!
So I write this on my birthday, a day both ordinary and extraordinary. I am hoping with an open heart that sharing my musings somehow resonates with someone out in the void. Hoping that you know you are not alone in your sufferings or your celebrations. Knowing that real peace is possible . . even if just for moments.
Peace. . .
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