"To be beautiful means to be yourself. You don’t need to be accepted by others. You need to accept yourself." ~Thich Nhat Hanh
Somewhere right after Covid started I ended my 10 year relationship with my therapist. I used to think I would never end that relationship. I had become deeply attached to my therapist, granting her significant power and projecting onto her the image of a perfect mother. I could not imagine ending the relationship - ever. Which was a big problem!
Ending was one of the most difficult and important things I've done for myself. You see, from the moment I met her I felt like she could see my insides. I was in quite a crisis at the time, raising children who hit the age I was during some of my most traumatic years. It's common for individuals to feel unsettled when their children reach the age at which they experienced trauma, and that's exactly what I was going through when my daughters became teenagers.
When I met my therapist, my sister had recently died after a fierce battle with Leukemia and my oldest was having a shit-ton of anxiety while beginning high school. I craved someone to depend on, someone to idealize as perfect, in order to hold onto the belief that peace and serenity were attainable at this time of intense suffering.
People were perplexed why I ended the relationship when I couldn't stop crying for a week or more after we ended. They said well if you didn't want to end it, why did you? Or couldn't you go back? Or did she fire you? The truth is, the ending was a crucial part of the therapeutic process itself. It surprised me in ways I hadn't imagined.
You see, it was in creating space, leaving, and grieving that I realized she wasn't at all who I thought she was. That doesn't take anything away from our therapeutic work together; I still love and admire her very much. In fact maybe more with some distance.
I am shocked to see that I got so much of her wrong! That is the lesson here! That we can't always believe OUR perceptions! Sometimes we have the page so close to our nose, that we can't read the page clearly. Or we let our mind define what we NEED our heart to feel.
In some ways she is softer than I thought. I once said to her, "You are my super ego". And she said, Do you hear what you're saying? I am your super ego which means it is YOUR superego that you need to projet on me!"
What does that psycho babble mean in real life? I constantly felt she was judging me. Every time I went to make a decision, I could feel her saying "Why would you do that?" But it wasn't her at all. And it wasn't until I moved away and created space that I realized it was me judging me. She was just curious about why I did the things I did. She wasn't judging me about why I did the things I did. She was trying to get me to pause and understand why I did things.
Recently I had some conflict well up in me and a therapist friend said to me "Why wouldn't you go talk to somebody? We all deserve that!" So I did. Entering this new relationship, we talked about my history: the beginning was dark, twisty, and full of trauma, the second phase was all about recovery, including my 10 year relationship with my beloved therapist, and now, what's now?
My Third Act!
He suggested that this Third Act can be lived without the weight of the trauma of the first act, and even without the rigid dogma I assigned to the second act of recovery (like if I don't' do things EXACTLY right, I am a failure). Now the Third Act is where I step into trusting myself!!! I gain new confidence without letting my self-critic lead the way. I make mistakes, I make amends , and I move one. I don't entertain my inner critic for weeks on end. I have tea with her and then let her know I have things to do!
How sweet is this!!??!?!?
Over the past few weeks, I've been contemplating the concept of the Third Act and practicing a more forgiving approach towards my actions. While introspection has been incredibly beneficial in my life, there are times when it becomes excessive, turning into a weapon rather than a tool. Reflecting on my past, I can now identify moments when I used introspection negatively instead of harnessing its potential positively. I've developed a new perspective, allowing me to navigate through life with greater clarity. If I make a mistake, I adjust my course without allowing self-criticism or my super ego to overwhelm me for extended periods.
Sounds great, right?!?! It is great! But it's also life, and I'm also still human. Which means this will come and go like any practice. Some days it will feel free and new, and other days I'll still get caught in the old trappings. Because that's just the way life is. But in my own practice, in my own life, continuing to reflect and reframe has been such an important tool and such a gateway to freedom. I hope I never tire of it.
Peace.
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