It's common to assert "I'm not for everyone" with with a strong sense that it doesn't matter because I am strong and confident! However, sometimes it sucks to feel this way - like everyone doesn't love me all the time!???!! 😂. But sometimes we are off our game a bit: factors such as losing a loved one, facing a challenging diagnosis, dealing with mental health issues, or feeling overwhelmed by global concerns can influence how we feel about things. I mean, sure, intellectually. I know this is true, but depending on where I am emotionally, it can still sting.
Recently, I took a class on sales. I know, I know, it doesn't sound like me does it? But a friend of mine gifted it to me, and it was quite insightful. First, we talked about what comes up for us when we think of the word sales or sales people? Think about it yourself right now? What words come up? For me things like pushy, aggressive, snake oil, came up. Owning my own business means I have to sell. If I think sales is gross . . well talk about a double bind.
It made me realize I can still have this giant people pleasing part that takes over even when things are going well. I still have a fear that if I step into my role as teacher or retreat leader or counselor, I may make others uncomfortable and they will leave and I won't be able to pay the mortgage, and I'll like on the streets,and won't be able to afford anything . . . you get it I'm sure!
But guess what? The more I am myself, the more people want what I have to offer. Not everyone of course. Some folks are looking for teachers who:
no longer suffer
don't ever worry about anything
never have big feelings
never make mistakes
always have the right answers
I completely understand the appeal of this perspective. The last time I was in therapy (an 11-year analysis) I found myself often questioning my therapist about her personal life – her relationships with her spouse and children. Her response would be, "Why are you so interested in how I manage feelings about life?" This made me realize that perhaps deep down, I wished for someone who didn't experience strong emotions or relationship challenges, hoping that if she had it all figured out, I could get there too. I literally believed she did not ever get activated by anything!
My wish was that if she was like this, there was a map that could get me there. It led me to wish for someone who had mastered the complexities of life and the emotions that come with it with complete perfection! But alas, she was a mere mortal! And I am as well!
I've realized recently that when I step into who I am instead of twisting myself into a pretzel to please EVERYONE, things go much better. My motto is: I comfort the disturbed and disturbed the comfortable. But I forgotten that when I went into my own business. I didn't want to disturb anyone too much because they might go away and then what would happen? But these days I realize most of the people who want what I am teaching sit through being uncomfortable and get to the other side in order to grow. And those who can't, well that's OK too. They probably need to find a different teacher.
As soon as I stepped into just being me, the folks I'm working with began thanking me for the movement and shifts they were experiencing. It's kind of cuckoo.
One of the things I realize that I'm not, is someone to offer you a six week course to make your insides feel perfectly lovely all the time forever and ever.
No, I believe:
We all experience darkness.
We all experience conflict.
We all feel like we're never enough.
We need to sit through these things for as long as it takes to come through the other side.
Therefore, when you come to a class or retreat or simply hang, you will get the message that I am not just a teacher or retreat leader or counselor, I am human, just like you! In fact it is the essence of my teaching: I am suffering too. Why? Because we can't be human and not suffer.
What do I have to offer? How to be with suffering with a modicum of tact and dignity. . . on my good days. On my bad days, well I've learned to cancel plans so I can just sit through things without hurting you or me (not physically, but sometimes I'm just in a space where I shouldn't be around other people. Because I might say or do things I shouldn't).
And I absolutely don't offer a quick fixes. I offer a map. I'll walk with you . I even help you carry your burdens, but I cannot do the work for you. Just like you leaning into my offerings doesn't heal me.
Peace.
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